You are a professional competitive canoer. Yes, it exists, and you have big arms and the ability to hold your pee for a long time, nine hours even. It involves a lot of push-ups, a lot of squinting through sprays of water, a lot of grunting and taking the “leisure” out of “leisure sport.” You play center forward, which means you sit near the front, but not the very front, and on right turns you just lean. Sometimes you can pee in the canoe and no one can really tell, but you try to use that only as Plan B.
Things That Could Go Wrong
Born feet-first, kindergarten teacher with the grey tooth and cockroach breath, summer soccer camp rained out, constant erections in sixth-grade math class, summer school, thick glasses, prom night food poisoning, misplaced transcripts, broken femur, no cell reception in cornfield where femur broken, infection from waiting for ambulance to arrive in cornfield where femur broken, diarrhea on date night, car accident, pink slip, grease fire, mauled by pet rottweiler (twice), mauled by pet kitten (once), irregular heartbeat, thinking the class reunion was supposed to be a costume party when it wasn’t, cancer, selective alzheimer’s, spontaneous combustion.
Things That Could Go Right
Easy birth, nice kindergarten teacher with big teeth and gentle eyes, sunny vacation to Disneyland, tetherball for Christmas, no pimples in adolescence, strong legs for roller-skating, well-received valedictorian speech, turbulence-free summer in Prague, scholarship, polite landlords, Frisbee tournaments in grazed cornfields, corner office facing the lake, draught-free seasons, plump tomato gardens, sweepstakes winnings, obedient schnauzer, perfectly delivered punchlines at parties, healthy heart, big bonuses, early retirement, another sunny vacation to Disneyland, quiet neighbors, grateful grandchildren, low blood pressure, assisted living center with well-paid nurses and clam chowder for lunch, quiet death in sleep, pleasant dreams.
It was never your life plan to work at the Currency Exchange on Grand Avenue, hell no, especially not the night shift, and you did not finish two semesters of accounting school just to print money orders for spoiled college kids like that redheaded girl in line right now with the silver flip-flops who came in here acting like she owns the place, smoking menthols, wanting a cashier’s check for some plasma thing she bought on eBay. She can just go to the back of the line with that attitude. Her shoes stick to the floor just like everybody else’s.
‘Tis a far, far better thing to live a fake online life than a real one. With the a little free time and some Photoshop, you can become the person you always admired through his living room window. You BBM ladies that you are a 6′4″ investor with a goatee and Swedish accent, when in reality the only body hair you have is the cat fur gathering on your shoulders as Missy and Twinkle paw at the laptop. You won’t ever meet ladies in person, but that’s okay—just the thought of being intimate with someone gives you immediate diarrhea.
The job at the tanning salon is just a part-time thing until you get your act together and apply to med school for real—until it’s full-time, because the afternoon clerk quit after that whole disinfectant scandal, and the manager promoted you because, like he said, it’s an easy job and at least you’re not a perv who stares at all the chicks who come in. Then: overnight goggle inventories, a missed med school deadline, and then you’re the manager of the tanning salon, but only until you get your act together and take the GRE, for real this time.
The average person eats 240 bratwursts in his lifetime, but you have never liked to think of yourself as an average person, in fact the very word makes your skin crawl, makes you envision yourself as a grey lump of mud melting in to the ground among other grey lumps of mud. This is an image that keeps you up at night. You are careful to do everything just slightly above the norm—you consume 780 bratwursts over the course of your adult life, sleep 8.75 hours each night, drink 9 glasses of water every day, celebrate two birthdays per year.
Perfectly Illegal Ways to Make a Living
kidnapper car stealer drug dealer dvd pirater bank robber convenience store holder upper shoplifter carjacker black market liver salesperson fake fortune teller re-seller of stolen televisions doctor with a generous prescription-writing hand cat burglar child cloner baby stealer librarian who takes home one book per day until she amasses a solid collection of first editions firecracker distributer prostitute helpful gardener without a green card intellectual property thief guy who puts Michael Jackson’s white glove on ebay for $45,000 only it wasn’t Michael Jackson’s glove it was part of his daughter’s Minnie Mouse costume.
Benefits of Being Queen of England:
Hearing millions sing about God saving you
Hats
Handbags
Scowling whenever you want to
Parties in the Palace
Parades
Not having to shake hands with strangers
Getting to marry your hot cousin without people thinking it’s weird
Getting 2,500 wedding presents for you and your new husband cousin
Taking credit for naming your kids Prince before it was considered cool
Leaving the hard political work for the Prime Minister
Downsides:
Getting shot at while you’re just minding your own business, riding a horse
The husband cousin has some shady Nazi links
No hugs, ever
Grad school or reality show? Summer backpacking in Europe or reality show? Relationship or reality show? Break up or reality show? Job at the university or reality show? Marriage or reality show? Family or reality show? Renovate kitchen or reality show? Summer vacation or reality show? Major League Football or reality show? Fantasy football or reality show? Stop showing up at job or reality show? Shower or reality show? Unplug the phone or reality show? Antidepressants or reality show? Get out of bed in the morning or reality show? Comb hair or reality show? Face another day or reality show?
