If you are serious about pet photography, you probably already know that the cardinal rule of the trade is Keep It Simple. Dogs and cats are wondrous creatures and (unlike children) do not need a complicated background with props to make them appear interesting. A pug’s watery eyes pop in front of a simple green curtain, which is why the other cardinal rule is Use Cool Colors. Blue, green, and turquoise have a calming effect on animals; red and orange confuse them and make them feel like they need to poop. The other cardinal rule is No Snacks On Set.
Archive for April, 2009
Life is good for the first part. There is a hammock in your backyard and you’ve never had a cavity. Then you start forgetting things. First it’s small: where did I put my keys? Which side does the fork go on? Who was that guy in that one movie? Then: What time was my doctor’s appointment? Last week? Wait, it was a tanning appointment? When did I start tanning? Then: Who am I? When did I become the type of person who went tanning? Was I always that person? What came before? You lie in the hammock and swing, empty.
You work at the Apple Store! The 10-7 shift! You perform tutorials of sound editing software twice a day, but the first one always goes smoother because it’s before lunch and you’re always more glib when your sugar is low. Also you have chronic diarrhea after lunch! The Apple Store has good benefits, and you hope to be there for long time, because you really like your gastrointestinologist, Dr. Chua, and would hate to lose your prescription or your free annual colonoscopy. Plus you get 10% off Apple products. The new ipods are going to be able to take pictures!
I was born fat, almost eleven pounds, and then just stayed that way for most of my life, until I did the Atkins diet a few years ago and lost 86 pounds. Suddenly I was getting hit on every day, since I worked at a hospice with lots of cute nurses. It was like I went from being an invisible spirit just floating around, to a real live human who had all these nurses listening to him. I didn’t really even know how to handle all the attention so I became an alcoholic and gained back most of the weight.
Foley artist: someone has to stand in the studio and hit a wet bag of ground beef with a bat every time the guy on the screen gets punched. This person also has to stamp his feet on a sound box in time with the main actor’s dramatic march down a hallway, flap his hands to mimic bird wings, noisily make out with the back of his hand alongside a clip of the central love scene, and walk on ground-up corn flakes to add tension to the scene of Movie Star taking a brooding walk down an autumn leaf-sprinkled sidewalk.
You are not skinny enough to model on the runway, not exotic enough for Vogue, too pretty for Tyra, but just comely enough for the poster for Big Dan’s All American Gyros and Subs. A different poster is printed for each of the four locations. In one, you wear a blue sweater and hold the gyro in front of a lipglossed smile. In another, you wink; another, you lick cucumber sauce from your thumb. The last poster shows you seated at the counter, the reflection of your fries casting a sea-urchin-shaped reflection in the window. It’s Big Dan’s personal favorite.
Four Reasons to Believe in Reincarnation:
1. You don’t have to worry about hellfire.
2. You don’t have to dread heavenboredom.
3. It is far easier to be polite to the bus driver who calls you ignorant for pushing the button at the wrong stop if you imagine she was a very nice cake decorator in her past life, perhaps even your aunt.
4. When Fluffy is flattened by a Volvo, your grief is quelled by the idea that Fluffy is a bird now—something she always seemed to want anyway, leaping from the couch to the coffee table like that.
Things To Be in Denial About:
Your poor taste in shoes, the fact that he is simply watching a football game right now and not even remotely thinking about you, the nagging tickle in the back of your throat, Darfur, the severity of not passing the final exam in Russian history, Muffy’s limp, Muffy’s wheezing, the economy, your retirement fund, the fact that yesterday when he said he just wanted to watch the game there was no hidden meaning, the fact that he is neither capable of nor interested in hidden meanings, Iraq, type 2 diabetes, the inevitability of rain.
Things Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t do:
steal
gamble
smoke weed
join the military
drink (too much) beer
have blood transfusions
pledge allegiance to the flag
seduce that married lady from work
get a tattoo of Lakshmi on their back
Things Jehovah’s Witnesses do:
knock on your door
wait
scuff a sneaker on the cement
ask if your mom is home please
and if she has a minute to talk
just one minute
and also if you have a small glass of water
like tap water
with an ice cube
you could bring to the porch
because it’s hot as balls outside
When the wife dies, the husband goes back to school. He fixes air carburetors during the day and at night he has classes: political science, poetry, Russian history, calculus, literary theory.
During the day the husband bangs his thumb under a hammer. He catches his index finger in a hinge and wipes greasy rags over his scratched palms. At night he reads John Updike. The moon comes in and catches the book’s spine. The husband turns his hands beneath the glow, sees the calloused pads of his thumb and hard knuckles. He thinks, “I cannot believe these are my hands.”
